A Story written by, and podcast for Vianvi by author, Christine Larsen
Vianvi Podcast #14
Note: we know some of you just read the transcript and don’t listen to the actual podcast. If you do that this time, you’re missing the best part of this post! So click the podcast player, turn up the volume and listen as Christine Larsen makes you smile as two drinking buddies try to understand each other! Good fun.
“More Lassies? Where… ?” and Jock spilled some of his Scotch (just a dram, you understand) as he twisted his whole body one way and then the other to be the first to sight the bevy of beauties he instantly imagined.
“Naar… yer not lissenin’ right, me auld laddie,” and Brodie shook his head in disgust, and he sighed loudly. Trust Jock… never backward about coming forward. Impatiently he continued, “Now wheesht! I said molasses, you deaf auld fool!”
“Ahh… Moor Lasses. They’ll be the bonnie braw ones from the Highlands, then?”
“OCH! WILL ye LISTEN! I said … MO-lasses.” and though Brodie pressed his lips together tightly, still another exasperated sigh slipped between them.
“Huh? Bearded ladies? With ‘mo-staches’? It’s no true!” Now Jock spilled his drink in earnest as his eyes widened and his shaggy eyebrows jumped even higher than the involuntary jerk of his arm.
Brodie ran his hand through his hair, and scratched his head in aggravation. “I SAID MOLASSES, you eejit! NOTHIN’ to do with wee lassies. Molasses comes from sugar cane and mebbe yer know it better as treacle? You know, like your Mam’s treacle pudding she used to make you from when yer were just a bairn. The self same one yer wifie makes on Sundays to tempt yer owt of yer hangover.. NOO do yer ken?”
Understanding suddenly shone out of Jock’s somewhat bleary eyes. “Molasses! Yer big jessie, why didn’t you say so in the first place? Gettin’ me all chuffed about some new dolly-birds that wasn’t.” Now it was his turn to tighten his mouth – in exasperation that his dreams were dashed before they’d even gotten going.”What a palaver about nowt!”
Poor old Brodie. It was an uphill battle to make Jock understand he wanted to share an interesting bit of medical history he’d learned that day, reading another of his old Granny’s diaries.
“Yer Granny had a dairy? I dinna know that!” Jock was obviously struggling to imagine that dainty little old lady up to her ankles in ‘shite‘, perched on a stool, hand-milking a cow. “Think I’d betta have anither bevvie. ‘S-s-s all too hard!”
“Ah, pure dead brilliant, Jock! Dinnae yer know a DIARY is summat yer write in?” And Brodie shook his head sadly as he took a large gulp of his whisky. “Sure and yer’d drive a mon to drink…” and under his breath he muttered, “as though he’d need any help!”
And before Jock could interrupt again, Brodie told him about the wonderful properties of molasses – one tablespoon every day, Granny had written. She’d been told about it by her old Mam, who’d learned about it from her Gran, and she decided to try it out after she’d fallen and broken her hip, and the doctors told her she’d never walk again.
“Eighty four, she wuz, me auld laddie, and she was fair scunnered with them doctors. “On your boike!” she said, and ‘Rubbish, you watch me the morn‘ and started taking the molasses.”
“An’?” Jock was swaying on his bar stool something fearful but at least he was finally giving his full attention to Brodie.
“AND… she walked wid a walkin’ frame but she didnae want ut, AND then she be givin’ that away to the kirk folk and only used a stick. And the doctors were fair taken wi’ her and said she was a walkin’ miracle. AND THEN… she threw thut stick into the loch and she be walkin’ without even a wee limp. Now how aboot that, then?”
Jock smacked his hand against his forehead, hunched his shoulders, and spread his hands out wide as he said, “Aarrgh now. Isn’t that wot oi’ve bin sayin’ all along?
THE MORE LASSIES YER HAVE IN YER LIFE, THE BETTER YER BE.”
Where can you read more work by Christine Larsen?